I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
