i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
