she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
