my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
