Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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