How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
