Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
