If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I think my moral compass just broke
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
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