I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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