I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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