Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
