Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
