Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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