Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
