I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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