just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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