We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
