One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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