Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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