I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
