Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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