Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
