I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
