apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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