i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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