Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
