I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Alive.
So much puke
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Randomize
