You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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