So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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