I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
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Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
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He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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