I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
