i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
