I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
