Tell her she can't have a vagina
So I think we're almost at the age where we should start calling boys men. Now what age do they start living up to the new title?
Most never. Some around 65.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I forget how to act sober
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