bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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