Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
