she woke up with a sticky ear
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
