yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
