He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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