I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Randomize
