so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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