what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
