and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
did i walk over a car last night?
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
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The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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