I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
