Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
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I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
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my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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