Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
