Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Randomize
