Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
