God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
