Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
