i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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