I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
