My hand turned me down
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
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