My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
