apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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