I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
