i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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