You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
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i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
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Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
My breath smells like gin and sadness
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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